10 things Arvind Kejriwal should do immediately

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Come on Arvind and Co- we hoped for better from you. Acknowledged that you are the new kids on the block  but that  does not give you license to be 'self proclaimed anarchists'. Once you took on the mantle of governing Delhi , you were supposed to do just that. So now , looking at all the skeletons  hurtling out of your cupboard, I feel you need some good, solid, non quid pro quo advice and I am going ahead and giving just that. Hope you follow the recommended 10 things.

The Rx:

1. Heard of scotch tape ? Please use it asap on each and every member of your party. Yes, issue a diktat that no one, repeat no one , will open his/her mouth in public. In fact, not  even in private - remember deewaron ke bhi kaan.....

2. Sift the wheat from the chaff. You do not have to admit each and every John, Johnny, Janardhan  into your fold. Please ask them,  politely ,of course, the reason for wanting to join. If they so much as murmur  'Lok Sabha ticket' you know what to do. You don't? Tch tch. You have to shut the door on them. The clever ones who don't murmur 'LSt' , please inform  them of  clause 1 ( keeping the mouth shut).

3. Send Prashant Bhushan, Kumar Vishwas, the hon law minister of your government, Capt Gopinath ( Gosh! this is turning out to be a long list), Mallika Sarabhai, Rakhi Birla - you get the gist- on a lonnng, no expenses paid , holiday to Timbucktoo. You want to know why Timbucktoo? Welll, I have always wanted to send somebody to Tim... that is why .

4. Get back to the basics- Govern, govern govern. Granted I have banished two of your ministers but fret not. Believe me you are not going to miss them.

5. Dear CM, do not speak in haste. Did you ever watch a serial called 'Tol Mol ke Bol' ? O.k- I also never did but I want you to get into  that mould - weigh your words carefully.

6. Stop repeating ad nauseum that 'Vipakshi' parties are terrible, that the  Congress and the BJP are corrupt, that you are not siding with any etc etc. It all sounds terribly infra dig- too yesterday. You  are no longer a movement- you have moved on . Please show that you are here to do business ( govern  and administer) and not hurl allegations.

7. Coming to the aforementioned allegations- kindly put your money where your mouth is. That is prove the said allegations- otherwise use the overused scotch tape.

8. There is something called policy formation. Kindly use your time in policy formulation- your economic policy, policy for FDI, for electricity, security, for women safety, for transport. Focus, Focus and some more focus.

9. Ever heard of slow and steady winning the race? Remember the hare really ran fast but didn't reach anywhere.So,  why don't you concentrate on proving your credentials in Delhi ? Right now 3 things show : AAP is spreading itself thin ; that you are a man in a hurry ; and that AAP is turning out to be all hype and no substance.

10. Lastly, ever heard of something called a  peekdaan ? Wait- don't start googling it if you haven't. Will tell you -its what the Lucknawi nawabs used when they wanted to spit. They knew their manners and didn't want to spit all over town and the town folk. Please buy one peekdaan from my side, complimentary of course, for dear Somnath Bharti.  He certainly seems to be needing one.

I had promised to tell you only 10 things and so will keep my word. The 11th comes from someone who read my blog and left a comment. I am adding it on as a freebie.

11. Please quit.

The secret diary of Kumar Vishwas

   
           


 I find myself humming ' aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai, aaj phir marne ka irada hai' as I take off my topi and reverentially hang it over a portrait of Comrade Kejriwal . What an eventful day ! what an eventful day!  A coming of age day for Kumar Vishwas , of  poet Vishwas, of the kumar of AAP. For too long I had been leashed and reined in and only allowed to open my mouth once in twenty four hours- though God knows I tried  my best to utilize each opening by putting my foot in my mouth - very difficult for a person who is used to having his mouth open all the time. Aap ki kasam , if it wasn't for Arvind ji I would have left the party by now and floated my own outfit - Aap ka kavi. But Arvind ji  had  told me in secret that I could stand from any place of my choice and I could not resist such an irresistible  offer of grabbing janta ki attention and announcing my candidature from Amethi. Why Amethi ? Hmmmn. For public consumption the reason that is being trotted out is that dynastic politics has  to come to an end, that Prince Rahul has to be shown the door and more such blah. But, just between you and me, dear diary,  the real reason is that I am not content with being  only  in the desh ki limelight- I want to garner  international attention  also and the only way to do this is to stand from Amethi opposite Rahul . This way I know that,  if nothing else,  I will atleast have Italian and Columbian attention. Another reason , dear diary, a very very secret reason, is that I want to be one up on Prashant Bhushan ji. Bhushan ji and I have this ongoing tussle about who will make  the wackiest public statement. To give the devil his due, Prashant ji does manage to come up with some real eyeball grabbers. Just when we had chanted ad nauseum that we would not take or give support to the BJP he said , and that too on Arnab Goswami's show,  that siding with BJP wasn't such a bad idea.  And then of course, his K bloomer. I think that is what really gave Arvind a coughing fit , and the  poor chap hasn't stopped coughing since then because of Prashant ji and yours truly.

I must tell you what a great time I had in Amethi today. I had at least twenty thousand people at my disposal and   I certainly  wasn't going to let such an opportunity go waste. Nah, not me.  So I spouted poetry to my heart's content, sometimes in Javed Akhtar ishtyle and sometimes in Gulzaar Saheb's. It was  bliss - like going to heaven with Katrina Kaif and coming back to earth  with Huma Qureshi . Bas, now I only have to make sure that Rakhi Birla and the rest of the pack don't steal my thunder by doing something outrageous. That is my prerogative and I will not give it up so easily. I  will now slip into slumberland with delicious images of Prashant ji grinding his teeth in frustration.