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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

the secret diary of mayawati@UP

14th November

I look around my humble room with pleasure.The pink swarovski chandeliers, all 4 of them, are blazing brightly ;the diamond studded pink bed has been turned down for me for the night; the chantilly lace curtains( pink) are fluttering delicately in the gentle breeze of the air conditioners. Four baskets of the best chocolates ( uhmn pink)  for my delicate nibbles has been kept next to my jewellery cupboard  ( there is nothing more pleasurable than counting one's diamonds while nibbling on Belgium liqueur chocolates ) .After spending the whole day with these upper end 'manoos' it is nice to be back on my own turf . I never forget , and also do not let others forget, that I am a dalit .This humble room is one of my  odes to my humble roots ( another 'small' one is at Noida ). The song I have been listening to the whole day is playing in the background ( aa dekhen zara, kitna kisme hain dum...). Shashank Shekhar Singh is such an inquisitive thakur. He wanted to know why I have taken a fancy to this song . I let him in on many of my strategems but it would never do to tell him this one and so I  quelled him with one of my maya memsahib look . (Kanshi Ram ji ,God bless his soul, used to love my memsahib looks. Infact he had told me that the day I perfected these he would make me the chief minister apparent -and thereby hangs the tale of how I sat on the 'gaddi' of UP). After making so much  girly fun of Rahul baba I could not possibly disclose to triple S  that baba's 'lalkaar' on the banks of the Ganga has left me slightly shaken and to prep myself  up for the battle of UP I have been playing and re playing this song. I found myself humming" Aa dekhen zara ,kitna kisme..".
The phone rang, interrupting me in the middle of  a graceful piroutte .  It was  not the lemon phone, that's for my lemon and green dresses; not the pink one, that's for my pink and purple dresses; certainly not the red one -that's only for someone very, very special. This was my fourth phone -black-for my business dealings. The voice whispered," Vijay here". " Vijay from dalitnagar?" I asked politely.  "No,no,no",said the person, sounding horrified. 'It's Mallya,Vijay Mallya. I want you to bail me out .Can you lend me a few hundred crores?"  I naturally asked him why I should do so. "Because ferrying you all over the globe for your secret shopping sprees has landed us in the red." The cheek of the man. He obviously thinks I am a babe in the woods ( just because I look like one). Thankful for the inputs from my Secret Service men I could tell him curtly that he should be asking Deepika .P for the loan as his airline had flown her 45 times whereas I had only used it 44 times. Before he could beg some more I disconnected and flopped on the bed .

My mind worked, fast and furious, for a solution to the danger posed by the congress. Should I play the Italian card ? Nah .Already done to death. Besides,what if someone leaked out my preference for Italian handbags?(even though I carry them in a way to make them look as if they are from lajpat nagar) Should it be baba's jerky waves and shifty eye contact ?nah- not enough dum. Just then I remembered the words of my personal astrologer -"4 is your lucky number-always think in terms of four and multiples of four". Eureka ! I had got it. Multiples of four can be for other smaller things, like gold bangles and diamond sets and... Tomorrow I will announce the division of the state - into four parts .

Chortling (gently) at the look on Rahul baba's and Diggy Raja's face at this announcement I drift off to sleep, my head resting on black pillows. Why not pink? So that the  jet black hair color does not show up in the morning !

Monday, November 14, 2011

the secret diary of rahul@gandhi

14th Nov                                                                                                           

It feels so good today. I am smiling from ear to ear while writing this page. Ofcourse ,throughout the day I maintained a grim ,purposeful look – just like mummy and priyanka had told me to do. But first things first. I  must tell you why today is special –mum ,finally, spoke the magic word. I had been waiting for this magic word for years ( and the whole world thinks I am waiting to be anointed the prime minister ) . I spoke to her just half an hour back – after finally getting Rita  B off my back ( but more on her later). The phone at 10 Janpath  was picked up on exactly the second ring and mummy came on the line on the count of five. ( These counts are very important –on the first count portends irritation; the second stands for anger ;  the third for danger. Things start getting better from the fourth count … ) I had rehearsed my opening lines , and my lines of defence, but she spoke before I could open my mouth. And her first words were “ well done”. OMG!! I almost sank back against the wall in relief ,but immediately straightened (incase Mayawati’s men were lurking somewhere snooping in on me ).My lips had stretched back to form“thank you” but once again she pre empted me. “The  speech was good .You had learnt the lines well .Your body language was right –neither humble nor arrogant. But your eye contact ! tch tch .It really needs a lot of working on .You were only looking at the crowd in front of you. There was no eye contact with the left or right”.Indignation gave me the courage to finally speak.” Mum, it was you who told me to leave the left and the right and  concentrate on the centre”. She clicked her tongue in exasperation.”That was for  the political parties, not the crowd. You have to work through the whole crowd, weave your magic – just like dadi and daddy used to do .And I am sending Diggy Raja to U.P tomorrow. He will teach you how to wave  to the people .Your wave was very stiff and jerky –just like Manmohanji’s wave. Catch some sleep now. You have to wake up early tomorrow and rehearse your lines and moves.”  I whispered goodnight to the silent phone  and sank onto the nearest chair. The words “ well done “ reverberated in my ears.I smiled. But then the thought of another day with Rita B crossed my mind. I stopped smiling . And then remembered –good ol Diggy ,with his statements, was joining me soon. I smiled.
I must sleep now. Will write about madam B tomorrow.

14th November