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Monday, February 13, 2012

the secret diary of nitin gadkari

There are very few times that I wish I was Rajnath Singh , though I know he all the time wishes he was me, but these past few days, o.k make it months, have been so tiresomely trying that I wish I was him  i.e a nonentity and that he was me- handling all my 'weighty 'problems . There I was ,sitting in my pawan hans helicopter ,cracking jokes with my team and with  the T.V reporter filming  '24 hours with Nitin Gadkari ' when the pilot announced that we were flying over the Saryu river. I looked down casually and then looked up again to carry on telling the joke ( about the  shenanigans of the son-in-law of the first lady of Indian politics) when I realized that all eyes were down and the reporter was excitedly telling her camera person to train the camera carefully at the scene below. Petulantly I looked down for the cause of the excitement and then almost fell off the chopper .Uma ji was being brought in a procession to the banks of the river. She seemed to be protesting and waving her hands through her saffron robes in a very agitated manner. Snatches of words , carried up to us by the easterly winds, conveyed that she seemed to be saying 'Nitin ji , Gadkariji..' I scanned the crowd for some familiar faces but the faces all looked unfamiliar, though in a very familiar way. I mean they looked familiarly unfamiliar. And then the penny dropped. Ofcourse, they were the congress karyakartas of U.P. I sat up in indignation and turned to the reporter to point out this latest congress scam when before my eyes she whipped out her mike and telling the pilot to bring the chopper as low as he could , jumped out , followed by her camera person. Unfortunately for me the chopper had come to within eye contact distance of the people on ground zero and Uma Bharti ji easily spotted me. All hell broke loose. Much to my chagrin Umaji started a one sided conversation with me. The long and short of which was that she literally ordered me to save her from the swirling waters of the Saryu river and at the same time reminded me that it was at my prodding that she had jumped in- not  the river- but into the politics of elections in UP's Bundelkhand and also made the grandoise statement of jumping into the river. Truth to tell , when I had asked Umaji to rejoin the party with a difference it was all because of Jaya Pradaji. Being a true blue Maharashtrian I was brought up on the staple diet of Srikhand, Vada pav and 'Sharabi '. Who can forget Jaya ji dancing to Amitabh's 'De De pyaar de...' in the movie ?  and also how  comely  she managed to look , sitting on a bullock cart, with flood waters swirling around her? Since then I had been searching for someone  within the BJP who could do  Jaya's  'Ram teri Ganga Maili' act. Many a times I thought of Sushmaji (  especially after her song and dance number at Rajghat   ) but the thought of Arun Jaitlyji's reaction kept me quiet. And then one day, while  presiding over a party meeting and munching on samosas and laddoos, I remembered Umaji and her 'sexy sanyasin'  sobriquet .Swallowing my third samosa hastily I dialled her number and...                 .

A sudden jerk of the chopper ,and a scream,  brought me back to the present. I realised that Umaji had catapulted up , leaving the karyakartas shouting'  Ooh ma   Ooh ma...', and latched on like a limpet to the chopper. The scream was of the pilot.The chopper was not built to carry two such heavyweights. It swung wildly from left to right for a good distance and then tangled into a flowing white tent of some inconsiderate idiot's election rally.

I believe the laddoos at today's BJP press briefing were on Rajnath Singh.

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