What Children Really, Truly and Absolutely Need

 

Twenty-Two years and some eight months after my first born was born and sixteen years and  some  months after my second child was born, I attained enlightenment. That the moment of seeing light, unlike in the case of Buddha, was twenty-two years and some months too late, touched me at places which hurt a bit and ached a bit more. Many a times I caught myself waiting for someone to ask me the typical HR question popped at unsuspecting MBA aspirants – “if you could relive the last five/ ten years of your life, would you make any changes to it"?  I know I would have changed all the things I didn’t get right as a parent. And this comes from someone who has been a hands-on, committed parent.

But you know and I know that life doesn’t give second chances. So, for all you young parents out there, here is some unsolicited advice from someone who never sat under a Bodhi tree, but would nevertheless want to share some Gyan, from her vantage position of more than three decades of motherhood.

Here is what children truly need:

 A lot of Love

Children need love: absolute and unconditional love. When I say children, it means our kids at any age- be it at year two or year thirty. As parents we love our children. This is true in most cases. But somehow, we get so entangled in the business of life that we forget to communicate this to our children on a regular, nee daily, basis. The communication doesn’t have to be verbal always. It can be in the hugs given, the hand on the head, the look in the eyes. The hug, the loving hand and the look tell the child that it is loved. The child grows up in the warmth of that love, goes out into the world secure in the knowledge that no matter what, he/she is loved.

 A lot of Praise

Praise is important because it helps the child’s confidence and sense of self-worth. Every time you praise your child, it reflects your pride in him/her. The child learns positive talk and the need for recognising the effort of others.

Praise can be age appropriate. You can praise the young ‘un for combing her hair neatly, the teenager for coming back from a friend’s party at the agreed upon time, the son, on the cusp of graduation, on his first investment in a stock, the daughter for the music she has put on for you. The praise reflects your pride and joy in the child.

 A lot of fun time

 There can be nothing as beautiful as connecting with your child over fun and laughter. Giving small children and teenagers plenty of opportunities to play, is one of the best ways to help them grow into healthy, curious, creative, and happy adults, equipped with the skills needed. This is one area which I neglected. Till the kids were in school, the time I spent with them was all about feeding them well, supervising their studies, ensuring their safety, adequate sleep hours, etc. Their fun came from playing in the evening with neighbourhood friends, birthday parties, friends coming over. I know they associated me with a lot of positives, but not fun. It is only when they were in college and would come home during semester breaks that we slipped into the routine of doing fun things together like shopping sprees, followed by a leisurely lunch, or a movie and popcorn. I saw series like Stranger Things, Peaky Blinders, Sherlock, Sons of Anarchy, the John Wick movies with my son. These were ‘our’ shows. We bonded over the music, the characters, dialogues etc. The look on their faces when I said ‘S**t happens’, the first time was priceless. This from their very proper mother!! Now the phrase has become like our own anthem- the highest level of profanity uttered in the house when things go south. It works every time in bringing levity.

  A lot of you

I know that a lot of ‘you’ is not always possible for all mothers: mothers who have full-fledged careers, mothers who are busy with household chores, mothers who are doing both- juggling a job and house work. The idea is to give the child the security that whenever he/she needs his parent/s, the parent/s will respond. There will be no occasion when the child is left feeling alone. Concomitant with this is the essential that the child knows that come what may, that whatever he/she has done wrong, the parent will be there. It does not mean that any and all wrongdoing is going to be swept under the carpet. No. It means that the son/ daughter will get support and guidance in making sure things are set right.

  A lot of positivity between parents

 This one may be a difficult terrain to negotiate in married life,on a 24x7 basis , but it is an extremely important component in a child’s life. Conflict is normal, it’s how the conflict is expressed and resolved that has important consequences for children. The idea is to invest time and energy in your relationship with your spouse and address tense topics in a non-confrontationist manner. This will help sustain you during tough times. When children see parents in a strong relationship, it boosts their confidence and gives them a greater sense of security. On the other hand, when children see parents sparring unpleasantly on a regular basis, it both scares and scars them. Even now, with three decades of married life behind us, on the rare occasion that husband and I are tetchy with each other, the daughter and son get a very set look on their faces. Children do not ever get habituated or used to parental stress.

  Children also need a lot of opportunity to learn to be independent, but above all they need unjudgmental parents. Being a parent comes with a lot of pressure to do right by our kids. It also comes with a lot of confusion. We over think everything: from which school is best for them, their grades, their friend group, or lack of friends, their course in university- everything.  Yet, what our kids need from us is much more basic and straightforward. They need parents who ‘see’ them, listen to them, and delight in them.

 

 

The Day the Blue Ticks Won: A Digital Nightmare

The phone rings. It’s a friend. She doesn’t say hello; she demands to know why I haven’t replied to her message sent four hours ago. I deploy my standard, high-level defense: "So sorry! Having a manic morning, haven’t checked WhatsApp in ages."

“But you have read it,” she counters, her voice turning icy. “There are two blue ticks. I can see you, you digital ghost.”

The volley is served with the finesse of Sinner annihilating Alcaraz. I am left speechless. I look up for divine inspiration, and it comes in the form of  frantic ringing of the doorbell. It is the husband. He looks at me with the kind of annoyance usually reserved for people who leave the milk out.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“The OTP! I sent it three times. You read it, I saw the blue ticks! I’m standing in the lobby, locked out, and  being ignored by my own wife.”

Drat! I had, in fact, seen the notifications but had passed them off as  spam, meant to be ignored.

Welcome to the new, terrifying age of digital accountability, where the "Read Receipt"—affectionately known as the Blue Tick—has transformed from a simple notification into a weapon of mass disruption.

Just as I , quite successfully, finish calming  the husband down,  my phone pings . It is  the family group chat. It’s a crisis. The tenant has decided to play hooky on rent. The eldest sister dictates that a "stern message" must be sent to the errant tenant to pay up or move out. The ceremony of drafting this ultimatum is a dramatic, group-chat affair, editing out "un-parliamentary language" for twenty minutes before clicking send.

Within nanoseconds, the surveillance  begins.

"Check if he’s read it!"
"No, still grey."
"Okay, check again."
"Still grey... wait! BLUE! HE READ IT."

It is a tense, digital stakeout. The second eldest sister pipes up: "I read somewhere you can read messages without the blue ticks showing up."

A collective gasp in the group. "What a sneaky, immoral thing to do," we agree. "But just the thing our guy would do."

Panic sets in. The minutes tick by. Why isn’t he responding? Has he dropped his phone in a puddle of coffee? Is he ignoring us? The game is on—our prey is being tracked, monitored, and judged.

In the WhatsApp netherworld, you are either the predator, anxiously awaiting the turn to blue, or you are the prey, desperately trying to appear "offline" while processing life.

It is the Upside Down of modern communication. The blue ticks are the Demogorgon, the MindFlayer, AND Vecna, all rolled into one tiny, pixelated mark. It is a world without privacy, where even the "Last Seen" feature feels like a violation of human rights.

So, what does one do? The answer, my friend, is to embrace the chaos. I’ve decided to turn off my read receipts entirely.

I’m currently in a "grey tick" sanctuary. Sure, my friends are furious, and my husband thinks I’m ignoring him, but at least I can live my life without being judged for reading a meme at 3 a.m. and not replying until noon.

 

 

The key to… Something Else Entirely: My Michelin One Key Experience

 

Well, it's got a Key. One of them. Michelin says Narendra Bhawan is a "very special stay" with "character," and oh boy, did it deliver on character! This isn't your bland, "perfectly beige" luxury; this place has personality, much like that eccentric aunt who collects porcelain dolls and tells slightly alarming life stories.

 Narendra Bhawan is a heritage property in Bikaner, Rajasthan. Bikaner is a quintessential one horse town, which is either good or not so great, depending on which color lenses one is seeing it through. For us, it was Bikaner because of Narendra Bhawan. And Narendra Bhawan  because of the one key given by Michelin. Simple.

 So, here’s looking at you, Narendra Bhawan.

 The Vibe: So, you think you're fancy? You've got your passport stamps and your artisanal coffee. Well, welcome to Narendra Bhawan, where your 'local experience' means pretending you're the last Maharaja of Bikaner, Narendra Singhji, who apparently had excellent taste in interior design and a serious aversion to palaces. Think 'genteel chic' meets 'curated chaos.' The design is bold – maybe a little too bold in places.

This isn't just a hotel; it's a 'Landscape of Memories', which is code for you’ll be spending most of your time staring at curated nostalgia and wondering if your own life is sufficiently grand.

 The property, a Michelin Key holder for "A Very Special Stay," offers a royal Bikaner experience with a stunning heritage design, reflecting the last Maharaja's life, featuring vibrant rooms, a rooftop pool, amazing local food, and personalised service that makes you feel like royalty, but be prepared for a serious dose of luxury and nostalgia wrapped in Indian heritage – it's less a hotel, more a storybook come to life, and your Instagram will thank you. 

 The Vibe (Beyond the Key):

The Michelin Key? Pfft, that's just official confirmation that you've entered a different dimension. You'll find yourself sipping chai in a breezy courtyard, lounging by a rooftop pool that looks like it belongs in Portugal, and wondering if you should just move in permanently.

 The Room (Your Personal Time Capsule):

My 'Regiment Room' was less a room and more a contemporary cocoon, probably designed to soothe my modern-day anxieties after witnessing so much regal opulence. The 'Prince Rooms' boast mosaics and velvets that scream 'more is more.’ Honestly, picking a room is harder than choosing a Netflix show, but you can't go wrong. Just don't expect plain white walls; this place is as subtle as a peacock in a sandstorm. Our room had a feature wall that seemed to be having an existential crisis, and the lighting scheme made me feel like I was starring in a moody indie film. It's definitely a "stay," not just a "room." 

 The Service: The staff are wonderfully attentive, almost psychic. They're so attentive, you'll start feeling like you actually belong in a haveli." They anticipated needs before I knew I had them, like the moment I thought, "I wonder if I'm slightly lost in this labyrinthine hallway," and poof, a smiling face appeared with a map (and perhaps a mild concern for my sanity). They go the extra mile, but that mile does not involve a miniature golf cart ride to your room because the property is, well, not expansive. To put it more bluntly- open spaces are very limited. The tour ends before you can say 'Vasco de Gama'.

 The Food (Prepare for Culinary Enlightenment):

They call it 'Halwai breakfast,' and it's less buffet, more royal decree. Expect dishes so exquisite and local that you'll feel guilty eating them with a fork. Seriously, the food is so good, you might try to pay for it with a forgotten piece of royal jewellery. Each meal feels like a personal tribute from the chefs, who seem to channel the spirit of Bikaner's finest feasts. One of the halwais, er chef with a white cap, would glide upto to our table every breakfast with a plate of three dainty jalebis and a pat of rabdi. 

 The Royal Symphony The 'Wake-Up Call': From your charming art deco room, enjoy not only vibrant décor reflecting a Maharaja's travels, but also the authentic sounds of a bustling kitchen courtyard, starting before dawn – think rhythmic clanging as your gourmet experience takes shape. It's a unique, 'immersive' auditory experience, guaranteeing you'll wake up refreshed (or at least, very aware) and ready for their lavish buffet, proving true luxury includes breakfast prep soundtrack. 

Forget gentle birdsong; here, you get the exhilarating percussion of stainless steel as the kitchen preps your exquisite Halwai breakfast. It's a real 'cultural immersion'!" and a true testament to their dedication – they start early!".

 The Verdict: "Come to Narendra Bhawan if you want to feel utterly spoiled, steeped in history, and slightly underdressed. It's a 'Very Special Stay' that genuinely transcends the ordinary. Just remember to pack your best 'regal' expression and a camera – your followers need to know you've been touched by royal magic. If you're seeking absolute silence, perhaps a monastery is more your style. But for a luxurious stay where even the kitchen staff become part of your story (and alarm clock), Narendra Bhawan delivers.". 

 

 

The One About an Idea Being Born

Every idea starts with a niggle, like a soft pain in the leg. You ignore it and the pain seems to subside. Only to come back in a sharper form, nudging you to take action. Until you do. My niggle had been very patient with me- giving me week on week to do other pressing things-like binge watch Slow Horses, cleaning out all the cupboards, taking out each and every weed from the garden. And then it sidled up to me and whispered gently ‘what about your idea? ‘

The idea itself is a very simple one. To help people speak well. To help them to pronounce simple words like development, monastery, determine, government, breakfast correctly. So that, unknowingly, they don’t embarrass themselves. Like I did. As a 17-year-old from hick towns of Uttar Pradesh, entering the Delhi University of yore. Admission to the top colleges was given to only the best, and getting a hostel seat was even more coveted. All around me, that first day, were girls from the best schools in the country, wearing levi jeans (a big thing then), speaking an English which seemed so different from mine-  from convent educated me. A face popped up in front of me and said, “How do you do?”  I replied, “fine, thank you”- giving myself away in that reply. Not knowing that a how do you do is always answered with another how do you do!

The first few months I must have made so many faux pas. I remember the ‘steak’ time clearly. Never having eaten steak- I always read it as steek. One day there was a discussion around food, and I don’t know why and in what context – but I said steek. There was a moment’s silence and then someone picked up the thread and said stake was her favourite and she had it medium done. From that day I vowed that I would never speak a word I didn’t know how to pronounce correctly. I would observe and practice and only then speak. College was followed by my first job at The Times of India. We were a young team of three, and the chairman’s son and daughter took us under their wings. There were many lunches at five star hotels and there I picked up a lot of dining, ordering etiquettes, as well as the pronunciation of many dishes. Watching English movies did the rest.

The debate around "speaking well" versus "not speaking well" is multifaceted, encompassing not only linguistic skill but also social perception, personal confidence, and even the impact of words themselves. While eloquence and polished language are often valued, there is always going to be appreciation for authenticity and the ability to connect with others on a personal level, even if one's speech isn't diction perfect. It is not only, and always ,command over a language that gets you to your sweet spot- many well spoken gentlemen have landed in jail, or fled the country to avoid jail. But, being well spoken does ensure that people listen to you. Whether you are able to use this time to your advantage is another story.

The story that is breaking now is mine. About an idea whose time has come.

#pitchperfect_you