What Children Really, Truly and Absolutely Need

 

Twenty-Two years and some eight months after my first born was born and sixteen years and  some  months after my second child was born, I attained enlightenment. That the moment of seeing light, unlike in the case of Buddha, was twenty-two years and some months too late, touched me at places which hurt a bit and ached a bit more. Many a times I caught myself waiting for someone to ask me the typical HR question popped at unsuspecting MBA aspirants – “if you could relive the last five/ ten years of your life, would you make any changes to it"?  I know I would have changed all the things I didn’t get right as a parent. And this comes from someone who has been a hands-on, committed parent.

But you know and I know that life doesn’t give second chances. So, for all you young parents out there, here is some unsolicited advice from someone who never sat under a Bodhi tree, but would nevertheless want to share some Gyan, from her vantage position of more than three decades of motherhood.

Here is what children truly need:

 A lot of Love

Children need love: absolute and unconditional love. When I say children, it means our kids at any age- be it at year two or year thirty. As parents we love our children. This is true in most cases. But somehow, we get so entangled in the business of life that we forget to communicate this to our children on a regular, nee daily, basis. The communication doesn’t have to be verbal always. It can be in the hugs given, the hand on the head, the look in the eyes. The hug, the loving hand and the look tell the child that it is loved. The child grows up in the warmth of that love, goes out into the world secure in the knowledge that no matter what, he/she is loved.

 A lot of Praise

Praise is important because it helps the child’s confidence and sense of self-worth. Every time you praise your child, it reflects your pride in him/her. The child learns positive talk and the need for recognising the effort of others.

Praise can be age appropriate. You can praise the young ‘un for combing her hair neatly, the teenager for coming back from a friend’s party at the agreed upon time, the son, on the cusp of graduation, on his first investment in a stock, the daughter for the music she has put on for you. The praise reflects your pride and joy in the child.

 A lot of fun time

 There can be nothing as beautiful as connecting with your child over fun and laughter. Giving small children and teenagers plenty of opportunities to play, is one of the best ways to help them grow into healthy, curious, creative, and happy adults, equipped with the skills needed. This is one area which I neglected. Till the kids were in school, the time I spent with them was all about feeding them well, supervising their studies, ensuring their safety, adequate sleep hours, etc. Their fun came from playing in the evening with neighbourhood friends, birthday parties, friends coming over. I know they associated me with a lot of positives, but not fun. It is only when they were in college and would come home during semester breaks that we slipped into the routine of doing fun things together like shopping sprees, followed by a leisurely lunch, or a movie and popcorn. I saw series like Stranger Things, Peaky Blinders, Sherlock, Sons of Anarchy, the John Wick movies with my son. These were ‘our’ shows. We bonded over the music, the characters, dialogues etc. The look on their faces when I said ‘S**t happens’, the first time was priceless. This from their very proper mother!! Now the phrase has become like our own anthem- the highest level of profanity uttered in the house when things go south. It works every time in bringing levity.

  A lot of you

I know that a lot of ‘you’ is not always possible for all mothers: mothers who have full-fledged careers, mothers who are busy with household chores, mothers who are doing both- juggling a job and house work. The idea is to give the child the security that whenever he/she needs his parent/s, the parent/s will respond. There will be no occasion when the child is left feeling alone. Concomitant with this is the essential that the child knows that come what may, that whatever he/she has done wrong, the parent will be there. It does not mean that any and all wrongdoing is going to be swept under the carpet. No. It means that the son/ daughter will get support and guidance in making sure things are set right.

  A lot of positivity between parents

 This one may be a difficult terrain to negotiate in married life,on a 24x7 basis , but it is an extremely important component in a child’s life. Conflict is normal, it’s how the conflict is expressed and resolved that has important consequences for children. The idea is to invest time and energy in your relationship with your spouse and address tense topics in a non-confrontationist manner. This will help sustain you during tough times. When children see parents in a strong relationship, it boosts their confidence and gives them a greater sense of security. On the other hand, when children see parents sparring unpleasantly on a regular basis, it both scares and scars them. Even now, with three decades of married life behind us, on the rare occasion that husband and I are tetchy with each other, the daughter and son get a very set look on their faces. Children do not ever get habituated or used to parental stress.

  Children also need a lot of opportunity to learn to be independent, but above all they need unjudgmental parents. Being a parent comes with a lot of pressure to do right by our kids. It also comes with a lot of confusion. We over think everything: from which school is best for them, their grades, their friend group, or lack of friends, their course in university- everything.  Yet, what our kids need from us is much more basic and straightforward. They need parents who ‘see’ them, listen to them, and delight in them.